God's Grace in Action

Ever since reading 'Conceived without Sin,' I have been sensing God's grace more. It is not that God recently decided to grant me His grace, it's more the fact that I have become more intune with God's voice.

I do not deserve His grace, let alone his mercy, yet He grants me these in order to become more holy, more loving, and become a better person in His eyes. On Friday, God tested my obedience and granted me his grace throughout the day. It was one of the most amazing days I have ever had. It started off by me missing the first train to downtown Cleveland.

How was this a grace of God? Had I been on that first train, I would have missed 3 of God's most amazing creatures - a doe and her two fawns. The doe walked across the tracks, from one set of trees to another. The fawns loosely following her, scampered across playfully trying to stay close enough to mom, but yet exhibiting some independence. What an amazing sight! Thank you, God!

On the way downtown, I was receiving a constant urge to have the Miraculous medals I had in my purse blessed. I bought them at Our Lady of Lourdes Shrine for my nieces and nephews. My intention was to have them blessed on Sunday, so I dismissed the thought. I continued saying the Rosary on the train, yet the thought would not cease. I walked into the Cathedral and sat down in my usual pew. Thought became stronger. Bless the medals. The Bishop will bless them. Go to the Confessional. Have the Bishop bless them.

From where I sat, I was unable to see which Priest is in the Confessional. Finally, I got up and walked over to the Confessional (okay, I suffer from what a good friend of mine calls 'Eventual Obedience'). The Bishop was there! Thank you, God! I asked if he would bless the Miraculous medals. He did - it was a beautiful prayer and blessing!

Mass began. It was the feast day of St. Cyril. I'm not sure about you, but I heard the name, but I did not know anything about who this saint was. The Bishop started his homily talking about St. Cyril, when he lived, and that although many of us may never have heard of him, we use his doctrine almost daily. Suddenly the thought, Mary, Mother of God, came to mind. I was not sure why, but okay. Yes, I firmly believe that Mary is the Mother of God. It is part of the doctrine of the Faith. It was not until the end of the Bishop's homily that he stated what St. Cyril was noted for - declaring Mary was the Mother of God, ending all debates about who Jesus was.

Wow! What a day to have the medals blessed! (by the Bishop, no less!) Thank you, God!

Mass continued. Give one to Jan. What? Why would I give one of the medals I just had blessed to my boss' wife? These were for my nieces and nephews. Jan was recently diagnosed with lymphoma (a form of cancer) and both she and Gale (her husband, my boss) were going through a very difficult time. Give one to Jan, ask Gale if he wants one. I was unsure if they are even Catholic! Okay, okay. I'll give one to Jan. Now, how am I going to explain this to Gale? Speak the truth.

I got to work and went straight into Gale's office and asked him if he had a minute. (In recent months, I already spoke to him about my vocation change and that it will take effect in about a year and a half. He was very supportive.) Gale nodded. I prayed a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit for the words. My explanation went something like this..."I am not sure why I need to give Jan one of these, but I do. It is a Miraculous medal. I was just blessed by the Bishop this morning. Would you like one?" He said sure.

After this, we had one of the best discussions about faith & miracles. Thank you, God!

I am unsure where God is leading me, but I know that He is right beside me. As He continues to test me and I continue trying to be obedient, my faith and trust continues to grow. I still do not understand why Jan and Gale needed a medal, but it is not my job to know. It is my job to remain obedient to God's will.


God's supreme gift of love is the Holy Spirit. Love is also at the heart of Jesus' last Commandment to us: "Love one another, as I have loved you." Love has to be the essential foundation of a moral life. Love should also be an integral part of sacrifice, like Christ's sacrifice for us. The greatest act of love is giving one's life for another. This does not necessarily mean that we have to die for another. But I think it also means that we need to sacrifice for each other, to lay down those parts of us that we hold dear and offer them to help others.

A moral life requires grace, which supplies the spiritual strength to do the right thing. Every time we overcome temptation or avoid a sin we have been struggling with, this is another time that we give our 'selves' to God. Every time we listen to God's voice and heed his words, thought we may not understand yet obey, we live for God. This means to offer up our total 'selves'; our wants, desires, temptations, joys, struggles, sorrows; our entire selves to God in order to glorify Him. It is through how we live in Christ and Christ in us that enables us to be Christ for others. We glorify God through our actions, words, works, and thoughts.

A friend once told me to put myself on the Altar at Mass and ask God during the consecration and Holy Communion to come into my heart and soul and change me. Change me to be more like Him. I need to surrender myself to God.

The dismissal at Mass is then our charge to the community...to be sent forth on a mission to the world...to evangelize through our lives...to bring a piece of Heaven to the world. I believe this is what St. Josemaria Escriva meant with Opus Dei. My life is God's life, my work is God's work. Everything is a grace of God. I can't give Christ to others if I do not have Jesus Christ living in me. I need to become one with the Father and the faith and radiate this out through my life.

Amy Grant's song, 'Father's Eyes,' is one that I have come to cherish.

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl. And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world. But that's all right as long as I can have one wish I pray. When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say.

She's got her Father's eyes, her Father's eyes. Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around. Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found. Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain. Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same. Just like my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes. Just like my Father's eyes.

And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone. And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me, More than anything I know, I want your words to be.


In the end, I want to have my Father's eyes. Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around. Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found. Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain. Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same. Just like my Father's eyes.

Grace

The last time God placed a book upon my heart to read, it changed my life, literally! My mom had been hinting for YEARS that I needed to read Pierced by a Sword. The hints, however, fell on deaf ears. About 5 years ago, grace came in, led me to the downstairs bookshelf at my parent's house, and encouraged me to skim through it. "Amazing grace...how sweet [it is], that saved a wretch like me!" I am not sure why I listened to grace that day, but I am very glad I did.

I knew Bud Macfarlane had written sequels, but I was not interested in reading them...until now. Grace encouraged me again, this time to read Conceived Without Sin, the next book in the series. It only took me a couple weeks to get the book from the library and start reading (compared with many years for the first book). I had planned on reading it during my trip to the Jersey shore, but plans changed. Plans may have changed, but the urge to read had not ceased. Instead of reading it at the beach, I read it on the train to & from work. Tonight I finished it.

When I was in undergrad at OSU, I would hang out with other students who attended the Newman Center and TNT (Tuesday Night Together). There was one friend in particular, L.D.. When we got together, we would get into very deep, almost theological discussions. We would often talk about the future and God's plan for us. Both of us had this overwhelming sense that we would not live our full lives (50+ years). We were unsure whether we would die due to disease, accident, or something else, but it was the 'something else' that really caught our attention and stuck with us. Martyrdom was not out of the question. We did know that our Faith in God would always be with us and His grace would lead the way. Since then, I could sense the connectedness of humanity (thus my love for the Confiteor at Mass).

Conceived without Sin brought this "intuitive feeling" back to the forefront. It reminded me how fragile life is and how much we need to rely on each other, whether that would be through physical company, conversations, or prayer. We may not always be certain of what is happening or why, but our trust in God, fully knowing that He is in control, will never lead us astray.

Recently I have been reflecting on why certain people have entered my life. For instance, Fr. V. was scheduled to leave St. Clare a year ago, why did the Bishop want him to stay another year? Had his assignment lasted the original length, I would have never met him. One person...just one person played an intrigal part in my life. Without the guidance of this Priest, I would not have continued to learn more about our Faith. I would not have had the encouragement to join an Order. I would not have begun blogging. I would not have met some wonderful, solid Catholics. I would not have my spiritual director. This is just one person. I have met thousands through work, riding the bus or the train, buying my house, going to Church in Euclid & then in Lyndhurst. And I am just one person upon whom he has had an impact. What kind of impact have others made on my life, or more importantly, what kind of impact have I made on theirs?

Some people that I have connected with, I intrinsically know that I will need in the future, or they will need me. For whatever reason, God has brought us together, although we live STATES apart!

Since I fully returned to the Church 4 years ago, one prayer continues to stay on my heart..."Lord, prepare me for who YOU want me to become. Prepare me for what is to come. Prepare me to do YOUR will." What I was not expecting was the grace I received, the rapid changes that would take effect, or the intense learning that I would absorb.

My trust is in the Lord. [He] has brought me here thus far....and [He] will lead me home.

My Vocation Story

Although the title above sounds a bit 'schoolish', I have been asked by several people for my vocation story. And since I also have to write it for my application to The Sisters of the Most Holy Trinity, I thought I would write it here so my family & friends could read it as well.


I can't say it's always been my dream to be a Nun. Growing up I thought I would get married and have children like my parents. God, however, had other plans for me - in fact, much better plans!

I went to public school through most of 7th grade so my memories of Sisters is limited during this time. I think I remember seeing them sporadically in Church - I remember the stories that my mom told me about growing up & going to a Catholic grade school, but I did not have this experience, at least not until the 8th grade.

I do have to say that my school-age memories of the Sisters were not very encouraging toward a religious life. We moved to Georgia and we went to a Catholic grade school. Sr. Patricia, my English teacher in 8th grade, used to tell us stories about how she taught Moses to speak English. She would also sit behind her desk during independent study time and play tic-tac-toe with her feet. How she lost to herself, I'll never know. In 9th grade, I had the greatest Sister! She was in a non-habited Order yet she was a whiz at Geometry & Algebra. It was through her (and my 8th grade math teacher) that I fell in love with the math-sciences.

Just before 10th grade, we moved to Ohio. I had two former Nuns for teachers at the Catholic high school - one for English and the other for Religion. The Religion teacher was always trying to be 'hip' with the students, but not succeeding, and the English teacher talked in such a monotone that it was difficult trying to pay attention. Not very good role models.

It was on the campus of Ohio State University that I found myself drawn to a religious order. Sr. Fidelis (Divine Providence) and Sr. Marie (Sisters of St. Joseph) worked at the Newman Center, just off campus. We would often talk about their decision for religious life, their discernment, and their love for our Lord. They seemed to have it all together and did not live within their communities, although they would often talk about going back to visit. I became more involved with the Church - EMHC, Pastoral Council member, TNT (Tuesday Night Together) Student Representative, RCIA Sponsor, and CCD Teacher. The more I became involved, the more I yearned to know more about our Lord and Savior.

After thinking about this for awhile, at least a couple years, I decided to let my mom know about my decision. We talked for hours. She asked me a question: "Are you wanting to join a religious order because you are really interested or because you are running away from dealing with the abuse.

For 10 years, starting when I was 7, I was molested by some of my cousins. It started innocently but when I told his father, my uncle, about the incident, he laughed and said his sons wouldn't do anything like that. Major blow to a little girl who trusted her parents when they told her that if something should happen, tell an adult, they'll believe you & they'll take care of it. I did, he didn't, and the abuse continued. It wasn't until the night before I was to leave for college that I told my parents about the abuse.

I couldn't answer my mom's question. Was I interested? Was I running? I decided to put off any thoughts of joining an order until I could answer this question honestly and without hesitation.

At OSU I had gone to several student councellors - most of whom did nothing to heal the pain. After a year, I stopped....I was all 'talked' out. I needed something more. But now it was a couple years later, I was out of school & in the 'working world' and decided to try it again. I went to several counsellors, psychologists, and therapists during the next few years, most of whom did not help, some may have done more harm than good had I continued the sessions, and one who wanted me to be angry with my father & bring a teddy bear (which I did not own) to the session. That counsellor did not last long!

I soon found myself falling away from the Church looking for any type of healing. I rarely attended Mass. I bought many 'self-help' books and hung out with some interesting friends. These friends led me to psychics, reiki, tarot cards, and other alternative methods of healing. The annual "Light Expo" was also on my calendar. The only two things I refused to try were witchcraft and oiji boards because they scared me too much. The 'healing' sessions became more frequent and yet I never felt happy nor healed.

The healing, God's healing, started one weekend after an extremely busy and tiring week. I was so frustrated with life, myself, and God, that I decided to 'tell' God what I really thought. Little did I know He was listening.

I told God that I was tired of my life. Tired of feeling so down, unhappy, and just plain tired! Something needed to change and I told Him to change it. That evening, my mom called to see if I was coming up for the weekend. I hadn't planned on it but a weekend with family sounded really good and relaxing...something I really needed. I packed my bags Friday morning so I could leave immediately after work. The 3 hour drive was very relaxing.

When I arrived at my parent's house, their Bible Study was just ending. We all chit-chatted for awhile until someone, I think it was my mom, asked if I wanted to be prayed over. Hesitantly I accepted, unsure of what they were going to do to me.

Quickly they rearranged the room, sat me in a white wicker chair in the middle of the room, and surrounded me. I closed my eyes because I really didn't want to watch...for fear of what was going to happen. I felt their hands on my shoulders, head, arms, knees, and someone was holding my hands. All of a sudden they all started praying, loudly! Then different languages were heard even louder. I wanted to bolt! Every once in awhile I'd hear my name or 'healing' or something in English...but not very often. Although I was apprehensive, I felt at peace when everyone had finished. I couldn't explain it nor did I really understand.

Matthew 18: 16-17 "Again, (amen) I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything for which they are to pray, it shall be granted to them by my heavenly Father. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

About 3 months later, I got a phone call from my mom telling me about a man (not really a pyschologist) who taught mind/body awareness specifically for abuse victims...and was located in Columbus. A year of therapy, self-defense, and mind/body awareness, all in a safe environment, led me through the healing of my 'inner child'...and the beginning of my spiritual healing.

I started going to Church, although I don't remember going to Confession. I ended my career in child care for a 'real job' at CompuServe. I found new friends, many of whom I still keep in contact. This continued for 6 years as I was slowly rebuilt. But God knew I had to get out of Columbus in order to continue my spiritual growth. CompuServe was bought, divided, and pieces-parts sold off by WorldCom. WorldCom then crashed into a financial tailspin, caused by the upper management. Many of us lost our jobs. I moved to Cleveland to live with family and collected unemployment checks - a very humbling experience

I would walk to St. Patrick's Church for daily and Sunday Mass and would often talk with Fr. Mark and other parishioners. I was being drawn back to the Church. I finally landed a job at RTA, bought a house a year later, and registered at St. Williams' Church.

I remember my first confession in years... the night before I happened to turn on EWTN. Fr. Corapi was talking about sins and the 10 Commandments. Within an hour I discovered that I sinned against every Commandment...some multiple times! That night I made my laundry list of sins and went to the Cathedral that morning. I walked into the Confessional, knelt down (actually hiding from the Priest because I couldn't face anyone with these sins!...even God), and wept! In between the tears, a sin would be voiced, and a kleenex box would appear from the other side of the screen. I don't remember what my penance was...I just remember hearing 'that was a good examination of conscience' and 'I absolve you from all of your sins'. I was walking on clouds when I left the Confessional! Mass was amazing that day! I had never felt so close to our Lord

I started going to Adoration and soon signed up for a weekly Holy Hour. I read the Bible, books on Saints, Epistles, prayer books, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church, all provided by St. Williams for their Adoration Chapel. The more I read, the more I wanted to read. I found Pierced by a Sword at home and started reading. I remember my mom telling me about it and highly recommended the book but I had always ignored the hint...until now. I couldn't put the book down! I think I read it cover-to-cover in a weekend! This book changed my life! I felt myself being called closer to God but unsure in which direction.

After reading an article on Spirit Daily, I did some research on becoming a Consecrated Virgin. I emailed the Associate Pastor at St. Williams but never got a response and soon he was transferred to another parish. I started talking with friends about people they knew in a religious life. I visited Shrines and other Catholic Churches around Cleveland. I also researched St. Maximillian Kolbe, Militia Immaculata, and emailed the Diocese about the process of becoming a Consecrated Virgin.

The yearning for our Lord was growing stronger. I consecrated myself to Mary through the Militia Immaculata in September and found a Militia group on the west side of Cleveland and started attending the meetings. We prayed and studied Will to Love, daily reflections by St. Maximillian Kolbe. I felt drawn to St. Max and discovered that his feast day and my birthday were the same day! What a blessing!

I still heard nothing from the Cleveland Diocese regarding becoming a Consecrated Virgin, so I figured this was not the route our Lord wanted me to take. There was an ad in the bulletin for a Scott Hahn Bible Study on Mary and joined that with my parents. For the next 10 weeks my parents and I went to Our Lady of Lourdes Shrine on Sunday nights to study our Heavenly Mother. I got to know some of the Sisters at the Shrine - they all seemed sane - not at all like Sr. Patricia.

One of the Sisters asked me what I wanted out of a religious vocation. I had never thought about this. So I did some additional research and started making a list. From what I discovered, there were many orders that were not following the Magisterium - this was a must for me. So I then started revising my list in to the 'Must-haves'. When I was finished, there were 3:

• Must be fully habited, including the veil. If I was going to join a religious order, I wanted people to know.


• The Order must be faithful to the Magisterium, Teachings, and Traditions.


• They also must have a Charism of the Most Holy Trinity, Mary our Heavenly Mother, and Apostolate of Education.

This narrowed my search quite a bit - especially the full habit criteria. I discovered that most of the orders that do not wear habits also do not follow all of the Teachings & Traditions of the Catholic Faith. Now I had to decide what type of Order I was looking for - monastic, cloister, charity, service, etc. Monastic and Cloister were eliminated quickly because my vocal ability is lacking tonality and my ability to be silent was hindered by my ever-running brain to which I must then voice my thoughts. I talked with several Orders and visited several communities in the Cleveland area. I researched my criteria on the internet and found 3 Orders that I was deeply interested in:

• The Sisters of the Most Holy Trinity, Euclid, OH
• Society of Our Lady and the Most Holy Trinity (SOLT), TX
• Sisters of Reparation to the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus

No matter which Order/Community I visited, I was always led back to the Sisters of the Most Holy Trinity. Although all of the other Orders are remarkable and the Sisters, amazing, I felt at home with the Sisters of the Most Holy Trinity. This is where God has been leading me...this is where He is asking me to call home.

Graduating Gradually

My sister graduated with her MBA yesterday - on Pentecost Sunday, which was also Mother's Day! What a great day to graduate! Stepping out of one part of life into the next with the love of Mothers everywhere and the love of God through the Holy Spirit. Sometimes frightening yet always transforming.

Going through life is like taking baby steps. We first must learn to rollover & sit up before we can learn to balance ourselves in order to stand. We crawl, stand, and bounce, strengthening our legs, before we can walk. We practice walking before we can learn to run. Life comes to us in stages...we master each stage before we can graduate into the next.

It is the same with God. God is gradually revealed to us through stages. It is through these stages that we are transformed into the person God wants us to be. We first have to understand that there is a loving God before we can learn to know Him. We learn to trust God with the little things in our lives slowly moving toward a complete and total giving of ourselves. Each step of faith advancing us closer to God's revelation for us.

It is the same through Scripture. In the Old Testement we learn about God, the Father, but Jesus, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are concealed. It is only through the working of the Holy Spirit that Jesus is revealed to us in the New Testement. The Holy Spirit is then fully revealed at Pentecost, when "Christ's Passover is fulfilled in the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, manifested, given, and communicated as a divine person: of His fullness, Christ, the Lord, pours out the Spirit in abundance." (CCC 731).

Even though the Holy Spirit is the last person of the Most Holy Trinity to be revealed, He has been a part of God's loving plan of salvation for us. God is a mystery - not one to be solved, but one to be gradually revealed...step by step.

In God We Trust

Once when I was going through a rough time, I was sharing the events with my mom. She imparted a bit of wisdom...

"Whenever you find a coin on the ground, for instance a penny, what does it say?" she asked.

With a questioning look, then a grin & a wink, I responded, "A penny doesn't "say" anything. Why?"

Rolling her eyes, shaking her head, & laughing, she responded, "No, what is written on it?"

I tried to remember. I use coins all the time: vending machines at work, parking meters, exact change for my double mocha turtle latte, but I can't say I really read what was written on the coins.

A penny... a penny.... "one cent," I responded.
Yes, what else?
uhmmm... United States of America
What else?
Washington?
Actually, it's Lincoln. But, what else?
The year??

"In God We Trust," she replied. She said that whenever she finds a coin on the ground, she picks it up and reads, "In God We Trust."

What great advice!! We need to trust God with everything in and about our lives. This is not just my life... it is God's life in which I am being entrusted to live. Why then should I not trust God with all the details?

I say that I trust in God, but do I really mean it? Do I trust God with every aspect of my life, the good, the bad, and the 'ugly' (and yes, there have been some very ugly moments!). Do I trust God fully or do I hand it over yet keeping my hand on one edge, ready to pull back when times get really tough or I get anxious?

I can't say it's easy. It's been quite a challenge, sometimes every step of the way. Yet, now, whenever I find a coin, I read the words, "In God We Trust," put it in my pocket, & every time I feel it - I remember, "In God We Trust."

My mom and I have taken this a step further. We often pray when we are walking or doing chores. If we find a coin and we are praying for someone at that moment, we will save the coin & give it to the person for whom we were praying. We will also let them know that it was a sign from God at that moment...to trust Him always.

So remember, find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck...for God is with you always!

Have it Your way!

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." ~ C.S. Lewis

Burger King is all about 'having it your way', I can still remember the jingle: "Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce..." (okay, I'm really dating myself). What's sad is that I have found myself doing this with God when I pray.

• "God, I would like a large house with a pool, but I don't want to have to clean it, and two dogs, but not those yipper-yapper kinds."
• "God, I know you ask us to suffer for others. I'll do it tomorrow. Today is kinda busy."
• "God, today I'll take two doses of knowledge (physics test), some strength (softball practice after school), and a large portion of counsel (you know, for my friends)."

It's like God, 'ala carte.'

I only want the 'good parts' and want to dismiss all the rest.

About 10 years ago, I prayed hard that I would get a job in Arizona so I could be with the one I thought I loved. I even found a friend who would move out there with me! We had everything planned...well, except for the jobs that would get us out there. Looking back, if I was able to get everything I had prayed for, I'd be in Arizona having a lousy time with a man I do not love and wondering how I got into the whole mess. Yet at the time I thought that was what I wanted. I'm so glad God didn't listen! I think it's Garth Brooks who sang "I thank God for unanswered prayers."

Yet every time we continue to exert our will against God's will, we punish ourselves. The worst punishment we receive when we repeatedly sin is the attraction that the sin places upon us. Before long, we're hooked & dependent upon that sin to get us through. I was caught in this sin-loop for many years. The pleasure I experienced from it, even the smallest amount, gave me the desire to repeat it. If I couldn't find pleasure in it any longer, I would go to another type of sin...and it soon became a vicious cycle.

It started with a friend & I going to a psychic. After a few visits of reading my aura, she said that the guy in Arizona and I were meant to be together...his aura was attached to mine. This was all it took for me to get hooked. Before long, I was telling others about the experience and bringing them in to see her. But then these visits were not enough to sustain me and I had to find other avenues to get the information I wanted so deperately. My entire value system was in disarray...evil became the 'good' that I was constantly seeking.

It wasn't until I found myself in total chaos & despair that I was able to get a glimpse of what was happening. At the time, I was a financial & logistical analyst for a major corporation. The company went into one of the worst financial downfalls in the nation's history, because of which, I lost my job - around November 2001 (God's timing is perfect!). Trying to find a financial job in a market where most of the people unemployed were in finance, and the fact that the nation was trying to heal not only from September 11th, but also from financial fiascos in 4 major corporations, was a huge undertaking. I ended up moving across the state and in with family, where I lived on unemployment for the next 9 months.

I found myself being drawn to a local Catholic church for Mass on Sundays. Once I was hired (13 months after I lost my job), I started going to the Cathedral once in awhile. But then the big kicker came. (God's timing - perfect!) I bought a house that had FREE cable! (okay, okay, when I moved in, the cable was already hooked up & the cable company hadn't turned it off from the previous owner). I started watching EWTN. One Tuesday evening, I was watching Fr. Corapi talk about Confession & the 10 Commandments. The more I watched, the more I discovered how deep in sin and trouble I had become. I cried bitterly that night & went straight to Confession the next morning. I think I was in the confessional for 15 minutes that day...crying the entire time! Not only did I have to admit & confess the sins of my past, but also the fact that I went to Mass (yes, and received the Eucharist) with these mortal sins on my soul. Double whammy!

God's mercy is endless! I met God in the confessional that day. I was the prodigal daughter, and God was waiting for me to return to Him, with open arms and tears of joy. Then He brought me to His banquet - the Mass, where Jesus sups with sinners. "Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear Jesus. And the Pharisees and the scribes murmured, saying, 'this man receives sinners and eats with them.' " Luke 15: 1-2.

It is only through God's divine mercy that I am where I am today. Sin had robbed me of my dignity, weakening my relationship with Him until there was no trace of life within me. It created a wound so deep that it festered within my entire being and took control over my life. I was living in darkness. But through God's grace and mercy, He sent His only Son to take these sins and put them on Himself...to be sin. God knew that I could not atone for my sins alone. His plan for my life was put in place the moment He created Adam & Eve. Later in Luke's Gospel, Jesus answers the pharisees by saying, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners to repentence." Luke 15: 30-32.

He still yearns for me to become holy, like He is holy...to be perfect, like He is perfect. I struggle, and fail, but my faith keeps me going, this time in His light.

Jesus died so that my sins would be wiped off, a clean slate, healing the infection of the sin on my soul, curing me, and breaking the bonds that sin had on me. New Advent states that "Mercy as it is here contemplated is said to be a virtue influencing one's will to have compassion for, and, if possible, to alleviate another's misfortune." Based on this definition, God's mercy is boundless! Knowing all of the sins that I have committed in my lifetime, thousands, yet I am just one person in a nation of billions, in a world of hundreds of billions; and this is just in one generation. There have been thousands of generations between when Jesus lived and now, yet, Jesus took on ALL our sins so that we have the chance to join Him in Heaven. Now that's Divine Mercy!

Taken from EWTN's website, "the message of mercy is that God loves us — all of us —no matter how great our sins. He wants us to recognize that His mercy is greater than our sins, so that we will call upon Him with trust, receive His mercy, and let it flow through us to others. Thus, all will come to share His joy. It is a message we can call to mind simply by remembering ABC."

"A — Ask for His Mercy. God wants us to approach Him in prayer constantly, repenting of our sins and asking Him to pour His mercy out upon us and upon the whole world.

B — Be merciful. God wants us to receive His mercy and let it flow through us to others. He wants us to extend love and forgiveness to others just as He does to us.

C — Completely trust in Jesus. God wants us to know that the graces of His mercy are dependent upon our trust. The more we trust in Jesus, the more we will receive."

The more I receive God's graces through the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Communion, the holier I become and the more I need God's mercy. I need to dine with Jesus at Mass so I can continue to live the life He wanted for me. Scott Hahn states in Lord, Have Mercy, "Jesus and the pharisees were alike in one sense: Both considered table fellowship to be extremely important. For all pious Jews, ordinary meals held religious significance and were governed by certain liturgical rubrics. These were blessings along with the ritual breaking of bread and perhaps the sharing of a cup of wine. The very idea of 'fast food' would seem blasphemous to them." The 'Burger King' type of prayers are now out.

'Thy Will Be Done!'

A New Easter

It had been too long between visits. Tears filled his eyes as he walked, slowly, toward the front. Why did he wait so long?

The bitterness, grief he once felt was now gone. He wasn't sure how it started, he just remembers the angry words, the slamming of the door, then the silence...painful silence. The scene played back in his mind like a broken record. The anger had filled his very being - how it consumed him. But now all that has changed.

He takes another step, his arm shaking as he leans on the wooden cane preparing to take another.

These last few days transformed him, freeing him from the slavery of the anger and bitterness. The hour spent with his nephew was difficult yet consoling and encouraging. So many tears, so much resentment. He admitted everything, leaving nothing behind. Too many years to review, so much lost time.

Another step closer.

Hearing the words 'I'm sorry' resonated through his mind, then he realized he said those words. Everything was gone. All the anger...dissipated.

He leaned forward, ever so slowly. A tear ran down his wrinkled cheek.

He remembered the hug that seemed never ending. So tight, so long awaited. Too many years away, yet here he was with his family. He looked up, his nephew had tears in his eyes.

He watched as his daughter turns to walk back to their seats. He looked into his nephew's joyful eyes.

Another tear of joy. Remembering the prophetic words..."I absolve you." Rejoicing. Freedom! Such immense love. Unending mercy.

Trying to uncurl his arthritic fingers. Once so active and skillful, now found it difficult to hold a fork. His hands reaching, extending, yearning. They formed a small cradle as if to hold a precious jewel. He finally understood - "The Body of Christ."

His soul leaped for joy. Lord, I'm here...I came. We're all finally together again.

Another tear. His whole being rang out in his 'Amen.'

I'm finally home!

Defend our Priests

March 21, 2008

There's one part of the movie "Dave," after Dave has semi-adjusted to the role of President of the United States, where he and Darryl, a secret service agent, are in the kitchen making the 'best' sandwich / snack. Dave asks Darryl if it was true that he, as a secret service agent, would actually take a bullet for the President. Darryl immediately answers 'yeah.' Then Dave thinks about that and asks if that also means that Darryl would take a bullet for him (Dave). Darryl doesn't answer but rather ponders on the idea.

For some reason this scene came to mind today after attending the Good Friday service and Adoration of the Cross at the Cathedral, celebrated by the Bishop. The service was beautiful yet solemn, with the help of Fr. E. and several acolytes, who made sure that everything ran smoothly so we, the faithful, could get the most out of the service. The part that struck me the most was after they walked the Cross down to the middle of the Cathedral, they slowly raised it up into the platform. A big 'thud' reverberated throughout the Cathedral when they lowered the Cross in place. The heaviness of the Cross was seen and heard; oh, how Jesus suffered for us! Confessions were heard after the service ended, with long lines at each of the six assigned stations.

Thank you, Jesus! Thank You for saving us -- saving
our souls--freely, willingly.

Then the thought occurred to me: would I give up my life for these priests? Fr. E., Fr. V., Fr. B., Fr. P., our Bishops - no brainer - of course! No, this is not what the thought was asking, but rather, would I willingly, freely, give up my life for ANY priest? Not necessarily the ones whom everyone likes and gets along with, but any who have made my life & faith challenging. The one whose homily drags on and on and on; the one who was accused of a heinous crime; the one who has had difficulty living the faith; the one who ___________ (you fill in the blank).

Would I fight for these priests? Would I willingly, freely,
defend my faith and defend these priests?

Wow! For those who have offered their very lives for my soul - how much would I defend them?

Mary, in her messages for her priests, asks us to love them. Love the ones whose homilies are endless, love the priest whose life is not as faithful as I think it should be; love the ones who have had difficulties in life and who are tempted by the evil one. Love them. Pray for them.

At the end of the movie, Darryl and Dave shake hands before parting. Darryl looks Dave squarely in the eye and says, 'Dave, I would have taken a bullet for you.'

On the train-ride back to my car, I seriously thought about this. Christ asks us to lay down our lives for our neighbor...would I do this for our priests? A resounding YES came out. Yes! By defending my priests, I could save a life. But our priests... they save souls! Pray for them! Defend them!

What is the worth of one life? Just look at the Cross.

My Lenten Road

March 16, 2008

Jesus, so much anguish I have caused You these last few days, weeks, months, years because of my sins. Every time I lost my temper, I drove the nail into Your hand. Every time I refused to listen, I gave You another blow with the whip. Every time I ignored my neighbor, I added more weight to the cross You carried. How selfish I have been!

Through Your words, kindness, and love, You showed me my neighbor. Yet in my sinfulness, I ignored them, moved on, said ‘no’. My sins put You on that cross – my sins yelled out ‘crucify Him.’
Lord, You saw all of my failures and sinfulness during Your passion, yet You chose to die for me. You saw every sin that I committed and every sin that I will ever commit, and yet, You freely extended Your arms and legs. You loved me so much that You took my sins and bore them to Yourself. You loved me as a sinner so you could free me from that sin. Saint Paul stated that You, Jesus, took on so much sin into Your pure, innocent, perfect body that it was like God made You to be sin.

Yet, You wait for me in spite of my sin; ready to forgive me with the love only a Father could give. God, You are the merciful Father in the Parable of the Lost Son. You are waiting anxiously for my return; standing at the doorway, watching for me to walk humbly down the filthy, rocky road back to You. As my Heavenly Father, You never stopped, nor could stop, loving me. There is nothing that I could ever do to make You stop being my Father.

As I stumble back to you and humbly confess my sins, You embrace me tightly, joyous of my return, forgiving me of all of my sins. You know that I could never completely atone for my sins, so You sent Your only Son to take these sins from me. You order the banquet of Your divine Son, the Mass, so I can share in Your holiness that I too can become holy. You know that I am weak and can not remain holy, so You give me many opportunities to repent. The Sacrament of Confession, the Confiteor, Kyrie, Gloria, Eucharistic Prayer I, the Lord’s Prayer, and the Invitation to Communion are some of Your ways of keeping me holy at Mass, when I receive You, when I am in a common union with You and the Church.

My Lord, help me to remember Your mercy and Your love as I walk with You in Your Passion and Resurrection.

Dream of Reparation

March 10, 2008

I recently became an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion for my church (very recently - within the last few months). At first, I was only going to minister to the homebound and sick, but I decided to also attend the orientation for my parish, just in case they needed a substitute.

God has been calling me out of my 'comfort zone' lately and challenging me to defend my faith. This past week I had a dream that greatly disturbed me and shook my faith...


I was distributing the Body of Christ at Mass, standing next to the priest. A man came up to receive and then, opening his hands as to receive, asked for another Host to give to his mother who could not easily walk. I refused to give another to him, but I told him that I would walk back after everyone had received and give her the Body of Christ myself, and he agreed.

When everyone had received, I walked back to the woman and gave her Holy Communion. This made me late for putting the remaining Body in the Tabernacle, now fearing that I would have to do it myself. (In real life, I adamantly refuse to touch or open the Tabernacle. I do not believe that any lay person should touch this Sacred space). As I was walking back toward the Tabernacle, I noticed the floor was wet near the Altar. I realized it was the Precious Blood - on the Altar steps and down on the main floor. I also noticed that people had stepped in it by the footprints and marks on the floor.

I went back into the Sacristy, handed another EMHC my paten, and told the head of the EMHCs about the Precious Blood on the Altar & floor. He immediately started questioning everyone trying to find out who was at fault, all the time referencing the Precious Blood as 'the cup'. I repeatedly told him that it didn't matter *who* did this - that it needed to be cleaned, purified, and the Altar purified. He ignored me and continued to yell, "Who spilt the cup?" (his words). I left him and went to the cabinet, grabbed a large handful of purificators and went back out to the Altar.

I unfolded the purificators, laid them down on the Precious Blood. I tried to cover all of it - then tried to wipe it up. All I could think and say (on my hands & knees) was, "I'm sorry, Jesus. I am so sorry," as tears were running down my cheeks. I said this over and over and over as I tried to clean the Precious Blood from the Altar and floor. The more I tried to clean it, the more that appeared on the purificators and the more that appeared on the floor & Altar - like it was multiplying. There was now so much Precious Blood on the Altar & floor ("I'm so sorry, Jesus" - repeatedly said) that no matter what I did it seemed like nothing helped....so much Blood!

I started moving toward the front of the Altar, opening and laying down purificators, trying to get all of Jesus' Blood. The Priest, who saw me, paid no attention to what I was doing and stood up to say the final blessing. I was then at the Priest's feet, wiping up the Precious Blood, all the while saying, "I'm sorry, Jesus. I am so sorry." I heard and saw the congregation laughing as I was trying to clean it all - I felt like the sinner (woman) who washed Jesus' feet with her hair - embarrassed - yet so saddened. They didn't get it! This was Jesus - and they are laughing? I wanted to plead with them, "Don't you see Him? Don't you realize Who this is?" No, they didn't...and when I woke up, my heart was pounding.

My heart has been so saddened these last few days. I am unable to get these images (dream) out of my mind. I question if we, the Church, have veered so far that even WE don't realize Who this is before us at each and every Mass. Do we really believe, deep down in the depth of our souls that this IS Jesus, the Son of God? Or are we so earth-bound in our ways that it is only the bread and cup - only symbols? If we are, how sad! We have, before us, The Son of God, the King of Kings, and through Him, our Father and the Holy Spirit since the three can not be divided.


We have the Heavenly Court with us at each and every Mass! How awesome is that??? And yet, this dream permeates my thoughts...saddens me for all of those who do not believe.