Limbo

I am feeling like I am in 'limbo'.  No, not the "Limbo Rock" ... "how low can you go" made famous by Chubby Checkers (although teenage and college years I did very well; not so much any more). 

Limbo - like Purgatory on Earth.  The in between places or phases of our life.  It's the area where we end one chapter of our life and are on the blank space or page before the next chapter begins.  I think this is where God is helping me grow and mature in both faith and being, preparing me for my next phase of life; giving me the 'faith upgrade'.  The only problem: I am missing the 'Important Global Consumer Support Information' booklet.

I guess this is why I call this phase 'Limbo'.  It is where God is asking me to rely on His Divine Providence, pray His Holy Word, listen for His voice, and rely less on the sensual and worldly views.  But this is where it gets difficult.  I feel like I have the good angel (in white, of course) on one shoulder telling me to pray and trust in God and the bad angel (in red, no less) on the other shoulder telling me to rely on myself and make the move.  My choice and path depends on which voice I listen and heed.  Do I listen to the voice of Truth (the Angel in white) or do I listen to the voice of lies (angel in red)?  

The song 'The Voice of Truth' by Casting Crowns sums it up well:

Oh what I would do to have                                                                                              The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in                                                   Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone                                                                                     To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is                                                           And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me                             Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed                                    The waves they keep on telling me                                                                         Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!' "You'll never win"

But the voice of Truth tells me a different story                                                           And the voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid!"                                                            And the voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"                                                           Out of all the voices calling out to me                                                                             I will choose to listen and believe the voice of Truth

God is preparing me for my next chapter in life; my faith upgrade.  Do I trust Him or do I put my faith in myself?God's plan is perfect; my plan is based on false assumptions.  I need to step outside my comfort zone and into God's arms, praying and listening to His Word, and the voice of Truth.  Only then, will I be prepared to take the next steps in life for Him.

Random Thoughts on the Mass

As I was perusing through my blog posts, I was awestruck (again) by the Trinitarian mural (posted at the bottom of my blog). This is a representation of what occurs at every Mass.

Can you imagine the immense change in us if we approached Mass the same way?  I am so guilty of attending Mass (and Adoration) with distractions: rehashing the prior day's or weeks' events; reviewing the agenda for the day or week to come; mulling over a conversation with a loved one or friend; focusing my attention on a child or family sitting in front of me; or being distracted by people talking behind me during Mass (*shudder* - one of my pet peeves).  I allow these distractions to infiltrate my mind, which in turn, diverts my attention from the most awesome transpiration being manifested directly in front of me - God's Love!

There is a story about a husband and father coming home after work.  As he walks down the sidewalk toward his front door, he stops in front of a small tree. He gestures taking something off around his neck, like a person would be taking off a necklace, and he places it on the tree, then continues up the sidewalk and into the house.  The next morning, as he leaves the house for work, he again stops by the tree.  Instead putting something onto the tree like he had done the prior evening, he takes something off the tree and places it back around his neck, then proceeds to go to work.  One day, a friend of his came home with him.  He again stopped in front of the tree on his way into the house, gestured pulling something off of him and placing it on the tree, then proceeding to enter the house.  Once inside, his friend asked him why he stopped by the tree and what he 'placed' on the tree.  The man stated that when he comes home, he leaves all of his worries, frustrations, and obligations from work on the tree.  He can not bring those things with him into the house and into his family.  As he leaves for work the next morning, he shoulders those work responsibilities he left on the tree and returns to work.

My task, as I see it, is the same as the husband/father as I enter the Church.  My duties, agendas, and responsibilities in my life need to be shelved before I enter for Mass.  It's not that God does not care about these things. It is more about how my love for God needs to be in the forefront of my mind, as the Altar is at the front of the Church.  I can only imagine how this would change my perspective of Mass.  Rather than being distracted, could I actually see and comprehend and believe that everything and everyone is connected at Mass?  Would I be able to envision my loved ones who have died joining with the Priest, Christ, and His Sacrifice?  Would I be able to fully understand that the Angels and Saints are joining us, packing the Church from floor to ceiling?  Would I be able to relax and just 'be' in front of God for an hour and praise Him?

Friday, I had to travel to Parma after work to visit a coworker whose father had died recently. While at the funeral home, he introduced me to his family.  His father's last moments were doing things he loved.  His father played cards with a group in the morning, ate lunch, then played another game of cards after lunch. He had a few moments, so sat down in a common area by the fire.  When he did not show up for dinner, the staff and friends searched for him, finding him sitting in a chair by the fireplace.  He had quietly passed away.

What do I want my last moments to be?  As Jesus had stated, we do not know the day nor the hour. Therefore, every moment must be focused on Him. If I bring my baggage, frustrations, and needs into Mass, what would my last moments be focused upon?  Do I really want to look back and know that work and inconsequential 'things' were more important than the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass?  This gives me a whole new perspective as I enter the Church.  This Sunday, these will be placed on a bush or tree outside the doors of the Church, allowing me to enter with one focus - Him.

A-Head of it all

This past summer my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Luckily the doctors caught it early. My Aunt, my Mom's sister, was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and had a double mastectomy. Needless to say, my Sister and I are now frightfully aware that we may have breast cancer in our lifetime.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

She was getting a routine mammogram ... well, should have been routine.  The tech saw something in one of the x-rays and took a few more pictures ... then there was something in the other breast ... again more pictures.  When all was done the normal 4 pictures turned into 13.

Then she was called back for an ultrasound and a biopsy. 

I am unsure if any of you had had a biopsy, but let's just say that they hurt!  They use a huge needle ... huge I mean in circumfrance, not length ... so they can suck the tissue right out of you.  Tissue that should be left alone under normal circumstances. 

It's funny how God answers prayers ...

I had prayed the night before that God would give me my Mom's pain.  It was a short quick, fleeting-of-the-moment, mindless type prayer ... but I do remember asking.  My Mom never felt a thing!  The doctor had a few biopsies to do because both breasts had questionable spots.  The needle went in, cells came out, and my Mom felt nothing.

I, on the other hand, had a major headache that day.  It was cloudy, work was a bit stressful, so I took some tylenol and thought nothing of it.

She decided to get a double mastectomy.  In fact they were not going to be used any longer ... we were all weaned and on solid foods now. (yes, you can laugh).  As the doctors made preparations for the surgery and additional doctor's appointments, my headaches grew worse and were happening daily. 

I had made some doctors appointments but nothing was working.  I do not get migraines, so I knew that was out.  But every test that was taken, everything came back normal - even the CT scan.   But I did not put 2-and-2 together.

My Mom had the surgery ... the doctor's said everything went really well.  She had staples from one side of her chest to the other, two drains, one on each side, and lots of bandages. 

My headaches had gotten worse to the point that I could barely think.  I couldn't concentrate and just keeping my eyes open was painful.  Imagine Uncle Fester putting your head in a vice and tightening it then grabbing a sledge hammer and hitting the back of your head with it ... my headaches were worse than that!

The next day my Mom and her Sister were in the hospital room ... my Mom felt no pain whatsoever!  She has traintracks running across her ... she just had major surgery ... and she felt no pain!  Nothing!  In fact, she was up and walking around (not far, mind you) that day.  The hospital, however, in their infinite wisdom, put her in a room with a patient who had massive infections (doctors were overheard talking about major antibiotics to attack the infection).  Needless to say, my Mom was NOT going to stay there any longer than she had to, in fact, she asked her doctor to discharge her that day so she could recouperate at home.  Because she was feeling well and the drains were working properly, the doctor did discharge her.

For the next 2 weeks, I had major headaches ... nothing was working ... even major pain pills.  They would knock me out, but when I would awaken, the pain was back.  My doctor's scheduled an MRI.  I had to now wait for the radiology department to call so we could schedule it ... 3 weeks later was the earliest I could get in.

It wasn't until my Mom and I were talking that we were able to connect the dots.  God allowed me to take her pain ... He gave me that gift, and what an awesome gift it was!  As I was in pain, I would offer up my pain, ask that it would be combined with Jesus' suffering, for anyone who needed prayers.  I am just amazed at God's infinite wisdom and kindness.

When the staples and the drains were taken out, she felt nothing! 

As she recouperated, my headaches lessened.  The day of the MRI, I had no headaches at all. Well, not like they were.  I would have a twinge here or there, but it was more of an annoyance than actual pain.  The MRI came back normal - everything that should be in there is in there and nothing that should be in there was not.

I now have no headaches at all.  They have completely disappeared.  And my Mom? Well, she's been a swell patient.  She made sure (as did we) that she did not pick up anything too heavy, lift anything above her head, and was able to rest as much as she needed.  She's now back to doing her exercises.  

Would I do it again?  Absolutely!
God gave me a gift ... a gift of faith.  He allowed me to get a snippit of the pain Jesus felt in his suffering. 

My Mom, on the other hand, yells at me when I tell her I would do it again ...

Another gift from God ... an answered prayer.

Brenden Foster

What an amazing child!

Learn more about his faith, life and wish

http://www.2news.tv/news/local/34214019.html

Sign of the Cross

Thank you all for your comments regarding making the Sign of the Cross in front of others.

Actually - what got me was the fact that I KNEW what I was doing - and yet I was afraid to make the Sign of the Cross in front of people. This is a mark of my faith - and yet - WHY was I afraid to show my faith?

When I really thought about it - I was denying my faith at that moment. That was the sin.

What's really been interesting are the comments from people - some were VERY glad I immediately went to Confession and only wanted to receive the Eucharist with a clean heart & soul (and conscience). Others did not see it as a sin at all...but that I was being too hard on myself.

I will be the first one to admit - yes, I am VERY hard on myself. But in these times, I have to be. There is part of me, which I am not able to clearly explain, that needs me to stay on the straight and narrow, and ensure that my soul is clean - to use the Sacrament of Confession and the Eucharist (as well as Spiritual Communions) as much as possible. We all see that the Spiritual Warfare is on heightened levels.

Again, I can not explain this - but I have had many people (who have never met me before) tell me that I am here to do something great. WHAT this "great" means, I have no idea - but my reliance on the Eucharist & Confession is great. I am greatly drawn to these two Sacraments. It sounds crazy - I know. Which is why I keep praying to God to get me ready for what I am supposed to do - His Will that I am to fulfill. And when the time comes where I am completing His will, give me the courage, tenacity, fortitude, and strength.

Which goes back to why I was afraid to make the Sign of the Cross in front of people. If this was one of God's tests for me to show my faith in front of others - I failed. So, I confess my failure, forget it, and move on....learning from the failure and facing it head-on.

Has this incident changed me? Absolutely! Yes, I am still hesitant on making the Sign of the Cross in front of others - even at restaurants. However, I face it head-on, tell Satan to go to the foot of the Cross and boldly proclaim my faith by making the Sign of the Cross. There are times when my hand is shaking, there are times when my head is bowed and eyes closed, and there are other times when my head and eyes are forward, back straight, and my faith proclaimed.

Yes, I show my faith in other ways - but for some reason, this was a hurdle that I needed to overcome at this moment. Maybe by showing my faith it will enable someone else to proclaim their's as well.

Photo: Pope Benedict XVI makes the sign of the cross during the weekly general audience at the Vatican last Wednesday. (Plinio Lepri/Associated Press)

Feast Days

It was mentioned at my come-and-see week that before I officially enter my Novitiate (if I am accepted) I would have to submit 3 Feast Days with Saints and 3 Descriptors to add to the end of my name. Of these, the Vocation Director would decide which Feast Day and Descriptor I would take on with the Habit. The Descriptors are what my devotion is about - for instance, one of the Sisters has 'of the Cross' another, 'of the Most Holy Eucharist', and another 'of the Child Jesus'. (I will post on the descriptors at a future time).

At the Bible Study (Scott Hahn series about the Bible & the Sacraments) this past Sunday, one of the Sisters, who is also taking the course, mentioned that many Catholics are celebrating their Baptismal days rather than their Birthdays since this is the day we become adopted sons & daughters of God...fully adopted into God's family. This peaked my interest - so I decided to look into it.

What I discovered was further proof that Mary has a big role in my life. My Baptismal day is August 29th....there were many obscure Saints listed but one Saint leaped off the page.

Saint Hyperdulia


Saint Hyperdulia: The proper veneration that is reserved for the Blessed Virgin Mary, as the most exalted of all human beings and all creatures.


Second Exodus explains:

'The special veneration due to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Vatican II's Dogmatic Constitution on the Church states: “The various forms of piety towards the Mother of God, which the Church has approved within the limits of sound and orthodox doctrine, according to the dispositions and understanding of the faithful, ensure that while the mother is honored, the Son through whom all things have their being Col 1:15-16 and in whom it has pleased the Father that all fullness should dwell Col 1:19 is rightly known, loved and glorified and his commandments are observed.”'


There are three levels of reverence that we in this life offer. Latria (worship) is reserved for God alone. Hyperdulia is reserved for the Blessed Virgin. Dulia (veneration) is reserved for all the rest of the heavenly host, including the angels and saints.



There are many signs that Mary has been beside me from the beginning...some of which I have already posted. I am unsure what God has in store for me or why Mary has been so intricately woven into my life, but I am not here to know....I am here to serve.

Since my return to the Faith, one of the few prayers that I have for myself is: whatever I am supposed to do here on earth, God will prepare me to carry out His will. Teach me what I need to learn. Help me to remember that which I will need. When the time comes, give me the strength, fortitude, tenacity, and courage to fulfill God's plan...with Mary beside me all the way.

Confession

I made a huge mistake on Monday night - had to go to confession before I could receive the Eucharist so I didn't go to Mass at all on Tuesday or Wednesday because I couldn't get to confession before Mass (Miss a day, Miss a lot!).

Monday, I got on the train heading back to Green Road, took out my Liturgy of the Hours book and started reading (yes, reading, NOT praying!). I was too embarrassed to do the sign of the cross on the train in front of people! The train was not even crowded! I had a seat all to myself! WHAT was I embarrassed about???? If this was God testing me to see if I would show my faith in public, I miserably failed!

Immediately after I realized what I did (actually didn't do), the scripture about how if we deny God to men on earth, Jesus will deny us before His Heavenly Father. Ouch!

To make matters more poignant, yesterday's evening Reading in the LOH (which I read at Adoration last night) was all about this!

So I went to Confession this morning - This is the one time I was really glad to get 3 Our Fathers for a Penance!

How Great Thou Art!

How great Thou art!

It's what Jesus does!

One of my favorite parables is about the lost sheep. How God loves us so much that He rejoices in that one lost soul that returns to Him. I have been that lost soul who returned to God, not fully realizing how limitless His love and mercy was...until this morning.

After returning to the faith, I slowly began to rebuild my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I started visiting Adoration and soon found myself returning every week, then signing up for a Holy Hour. My first time in the Confessional was full of anxiety going in...but coming out I was walking on clouds amidst God's mercy. I yearned to be close to God...yearned for His endless love and dreamed of the day that I would lay my head on Jesus' chest, like St. John the Evangelist, listening to His heart beating, fully knowing that it was the heart beat of God. Confession and the Mass became my weekly renewal with our Lord. I would attend daily Mass at the Cathedral and once a week, maybe every other week, I would go to Confession. The graces I received were so fruitful that when I looked back, I couldn't believe how much I had grown in my faith. One of the Priests at the Cathedral remarked one day that I was trying so hard he didn't know how I wasn't exhausted. It was God - not me - He was the one changing me into the person He wanted me to become.

However, in the past month and a half, my relationship with God has been strained. I longed to feel His embrace after Confession...but no matter how hard I tried to examine my conscience, nothing came. I prayed to the Holy Spirit to enlighten me, to show me my sins...nothing. I listened to tapes by Fr. Larry Richards and Vinny Flynn....nothing. My heart ached to feel God's presence again but all I felt was a black abyss... nothingness. I was teary-eyed during the Mass, especially during the Confiteor and the prayer before Communion...'Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the Word and I shall be healed.' I wasn't worthy...yet I knew God in His intimacy would heal me before I received Him.

This morning I was made anew. I felt and understood God's mercy in a whole new way. I arrived at the Cathedral early, thinking I could pray before Mass. But as I walked into my usual pew, I noticed that the door to the Confessional was open and no one was in line. Without thinking, I walked over, expecting Fr. E. to be there (his usual morning to celebrate Mass). God sent me Fr. J.

I walked in, closed the door, and explained how I used to go to Confession every week. I rejoiced in receiving God's graces through the Sacraments of Confession and the Holy Eucharist. I explained how I yearned and ached to feel God's love, His presence. Fr. J. and I talked, he suggested reading Romans 8 (the entire chapter). Then he suggested absolving me from my sins.

I rebuttled that I couldn't....I have not prepared...I tried but could not prepare. I could not accuse myself of my sins, I had not done a full examination of conscience. But Fr. J. gently explained that I have been trying, I have been at Mass regularly, I prayed for insight and God already knew my sins, even those of omission. He asked me to say an Act of Contrition. I looked at him, tears forming in my eyes. How could God grant me mercy for sins that I can not voice? I didn't understand.

'O, my God, I am heartily sorry...' my voice started shaking, tears now streaming down my face. I suddenly felt God's presence...His mercy...His love. I didn't deserve any of it, yet He gave it freely. I had to stop several times to gather my composure before I could continue. I acknowledged my own sinfulness in a way I had never before experienced. No, I do not deserve God's mercy and tenderness, yet He knew that, which is why He sent His only Son. I recognized myself as weak and entrusted my entire self to God.

Pope Benedict XVI once remarked that it is most important in the Sacrament of Penance, no matter the sin committed, if the sinner recognizes the sin humbly and entrust themselves to the Priest-confessor, they will always experience the joy of God's forgiveness. God strengthens us through this Sacrament, to live a new spiritual life, to grow in Him and restore communion with Him and the Church.

One day a pastor of a Church in Germany asked what was most important about the Sacrament of Confession. Answers came from the congregation: 'Telling your sins to the Priest,' 'Being sorry for your sins,' 'Examination of Conscience.' Granted all of these things were important, but they were not the most important. A little girl raised her hand and said, 'It's what Jesus does!'

It's what Jesus does!

Blog-o-Sphere 'Come-and-See' Weekend

I should be used to 'Come-and-See' weekends by now, especially since I will be joining the Sisters of the Most Holy Trinity in May 2009. However, nothing prepared me for the comeraderie, friendship, and laughter of this weekend.

Fr. V, of Adam's Ale fame, set up a get-together (basically a 'come-and-see' weekend) for some of the bloggers to all see the Vatican Splendors exhibit in Cleveland. Included in this amalgamated group was Adoro, Uncle Jim, Fr. S., MJ, and CK, as well as others around the area. Some of the moments I will cherish:

• Beaker's version of the Tarantella (as well as other Muppets, including Animal)
• Hawaii is a U.S. State SW of California (although surrounded by water)
• Give one for the Gipper (who was an actual person)
• Bocce Ball
• Sharing stories with Uncle Jim & Aunt Rozann
• Walking on top of the Church (others went into the Bell Tower) (I am afraid of heights, but I can skydive...go figure!)
• Tour of the Shrine where I met CK, Adoro, and Fr. S. for the first time (luckily I knew Fr. V.)
• Mass with everyone, celebrated by Fr. V. and then Fr. S.
• Knowing my nephew thought Fr. V. and Fr. S. were 'cool' and 'normal'
• Thinking to myself how lucky I am to have such great friends!

But most of all, the memories of friendship, laughter, and love for our Lord will always be in the forefront. Thank you all! I will miss the freedom to blog or hop in the car to meet you (my blogging days are limited). Just know, lots of prayers will be coming your way!

Georgianna's Choice

'The baby Georgianna Garry was carrying had severe birth defects that gave him little chance to survive. She had every right to abort the pregnancy when she found out, her doctor told her. But she decided to carry her son, Liam, to term, hoping for 10 minutes with him. What she got was so much more.'

My sister works with Georgianna's father. This is an amazing story of love, hope, and miracles. (I also know Fr. Dave Woost, from Divine Word, in Kirtland. He is an amazing and holy Priest.)

Read the rest of Georgianna's Choice (by Heide Aungst).