Be Still & Know that I am God

This morning I received an email from a Benedictine Sister that I do not know. How she received my email & why she sent me this e-card, I'm unsure. But what I do know is that God knew I needed this card.

After I woke up this morning & got ready for the day, I did a quick check on emails and just happened to fall upon a St. Jude web site that asked for prayers/petitions. At the end of a year, I always ask God for one petition for the New Year and I have been praying about what to request this next year. (One year I asked for patience - it was the longest year of my life!) There was only one petition that has a lot of meaning for me this next year - to become a worthy spouse for our Lord. I fall short, way short. However, I know that our Heavenly Father can mold me into a spouse that is worthy of His Son.

I am trying to do it all - get it done quickly, efficiently, and effectively ... but God is telling me to 'Be Still...and know that I am God.'

Movin' On Up, to the East Side...

The news is finally out!

Wednesday, my department had a surprise breakfast for my birthday. On Thursday, my actual birthday, I had an important meeting scheduled in the afternoon so I blocked out the entire day, which they thought I was not going to be in the office.

The table was decked out with a birthday tablecloth, balloons, and lots of food (muffins, donut holes, bagels, juice, cupcakes). What a great surprise! And yes, cubicle volleyball was played during the day. Unfortunately, I forgot to buy gold coins (chocolates) so we could have an 'olympic cubcile volleyball game.'

So as we were all sitting there, all 10 of us, I had the nudge from the Holy Spirit to tell my story. I had talked with my director on Monday that after my come-and-see week in September, I would tell the rest of the department. The Holy Spirit said now.

An amazing thing happened! They were ALL very supportive! I could not have asked for a better reaction from my colleagues...what a blessing! Although one of the staff nudged another and said, 'I think this means we have to be NICE to her.' lol

So now, I'm waiting to see how fast the news gets through the rest of the company. I'm sure the rumor mill will be in full swing...but so far I have heard nothing. Somewhat thankful, yet somewhat fearful....fearful for what MAY be coming. Then again, it's in God's hands.

How Great Thou Art!

How great Thou art!

Georgianna's Choice

'The baby Georgianna Garry was carrying had severe birth defects that gave him little chance to survive. She had every right to abort the pregnancy when she found out, her doctor told her. But she decided to carry her son, Liam, to term, hoping for 10 minutes with him. What she got was so much more.'

My sister works with Georgianna's father. This is an amazing story of love, hope, and miracles. (I also know Fr. Dave Woost, from Divine Word, in Kirtland. He is an amazing and holy Priest.)

Read the rest of Georgianna's Choice (by Heide Aungst).

Doubt and Christ-Incidences

Lately, there have been a few times that I have questioned whether God really wants me to become a nun. I started doubting myself. Am I really cut out for this? Will I be able to pay off my bills by the time I enter the Postulency? Can I actually do this?

Then God sends me little signs. A dear friend calls them 'Christ-incidences.'

Today was one of those days.

A colleague and good friend told me she did not think I would make it the 18 to 20 months of waiting before I could profess my temporary vows. She thought I would change my mind and stay in the job I am in currently. Maybe adopt a few children and start a family. Don't get me wrong, she is a dear friend and is only looking out for my best interest. Also in her defense, she did remark that of all of the people she works with, I am the only one she could see entering religious life.

However, her best interest may not be God's best interest for me.

After our little morning chat, I started doubting whether I was cut out for the Convent. Is this where God really wants me? Is this my calling? So I said a little prayer and went about my day...meetings! Ugh! (That leaves more work for me when I get back to the office).

The first Christ-incident happened about noon. One of the Sisters of the Order I am applying to enter called me. She left a message to call her. I thanked God that she called since she always brings up my spirits. She has such a zest for life and loves to laugh and make everyone else laugh. I couldn't imagine what she wanted to talk to me about since we just saw each other on Saturday, yet it sounded urgent. Ugh! Another meeting. Couldn't call her back. (more work piling up)

I finally had a chance to call her around 2:30, but she was on her way to Adoration and could not talk. *sigh* She asked me to call her around 6:00 this evening. So after my meetings and doing some paperwork, I left for the day. When I arrived at the train station, I decided to call her before I started my way toward home. We had such a wonderful chat! I loved hearing her voice and truly enjoyed our time. (nothing urgent).

The second Christ-incident was after I arrived home. I received a package in the mail from another dear friend. Inside were hand-written thank you notes from young adults (I guess I really can not call them kids since they were in 7th grade).

My friend, their PSR teacher, asked several of us to talk to her class last year about vocations. I talked about my change in vocation from being a single working adult to one of religious life, what made me change, and my favorite Saint - Saint Maximillian Kolbe. It was a lot of fun to talk to these young adults and watch their faces when I talked about St. Max.

The following week, my friend had asked the students to write thank you letters to all the people who came to talk. She then placed them in her bag to take home. It was the last class of the year and when she got home, she put the bag in a corner. She forgot about the letters until this week when she was getting ready for this next school year - oops! She gathered the letters and sent them snail mail. They came today.

As I was reading them, one letter caught my heart.

'Thank U Miss [LM]' it read on the front.

'Thank you Miss [LM] for coming and telling us ur storie
your stay made me think alot about being a nun
I will put alot of thought into that'

'From [student's name]
Jesus loves you'


Why I ever doubted, I'm not sure. God certainly has a way of letting us know His will...if we only stop to listen.

************

Post update:

I just received a phone call from my Aunt (my dad's sister). She is helping some friends of mine and I create something for a special friend of ours. Anyway, she mentioned something on the phone that was another Christ-incident.

Last year when my Uncle (my dad's and Aunt's brother) was dying, I called her to give her updates on his condition. She told me today that she wondered then why I never considered being a nun. Little did she know, back then, I was!

I'm being called to be a bride of Christ.

Path to Forgiveness

This journey of faith began by looking at Jesus the person, praying and trying to listen to His voice, and responding to the gentle urgings of the Holy Spirit.

About 4 months ago, I left a charismatic group because of difficulties with the leaders. Being subjected to confrontations in front of the entire group and false accusations were things I found disturbing. When I talked with the leaders no apologies were made and I left feeling heavy-hearted. It did not take long for bitterness and anger to envelop my entire being. I tried to pray but it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, it was fruitless. I hated seeing them in Church. How could they come to Mass, receive the Holy Eucharist, and think this was all okay? The bitterness and anger continued to swell.

With guidance from my family, friends, and spiritual director, I was told to pray for them. Pray for healing, pray for peace, pray for the Spirit. I also prayed for me - for God to change my heart and increase my charity and forgiveness. I found it very difficult to forgive someone who deliberately hurt me, but Jesus calls me to this. I pondered on the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary, I prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet, I put all of us on the Altar at Mass. It seemed that no matter how hard I prayed, I was left with a hole of distrust, anger, and bitterness. How do I get rid of this? How can I forgive someone that hurt me so much? And then I look at the Cross, the nails in His hands and feet, the Crown of Thorns on His head, and the Cross He had to bear for my sake. He forgave the soldiers. How? He forgave the elders of His own faith. How? I could not understand how someone could forgive those who were deliberate in their actions. I wanted Him to teach me. Teach me to forgive. Teach me charity.

There are some who say 'be careful what you pray for.' I on the other hand say, 'be thankful for what you pray for.'

About two weeks ago, Sunday, I was sitting with some friends at Mass. Their 6 year-old was sitting with me. She would ask questions during the celebration and I would answer them as honestly and simply as I could. I explained about the Consecration, what the Priest was doing, and how God and the Holy Spirit changed the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Jesus. What happened next was unexpected.

As we knelt for the remainder of the Eucharistic Prayer, I pondered on the explanation, praying for a change of heart, for God to take anything in me that was not of Him and place it at the foot of the Cross. I then asked God to place the parts of Him that I needed in me to fill the void. A deep sorrow swept over me. Holding back tears, as the Priest lifted the Consecrated Body and Blood to God, I lifted my eyes to Jesus on the Cross, behind the Altar. I had to forgive them. In order for me to grow in Christ, I had to move on...but how? I needed help. I had the model right in front of me...literally directly in front of me, on the Altar. But, I thought, He is God, He had no sin, He had direct contact with God. Me, on the other hand, am a simple sinner, incapable of goodness. Inside I was sobbing. We came to Communion and as I uttered, 'Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed,' I understood what this meant. I was so unworthy to receive our Lord. Tears filled my eyes as I finished the sentence. He could make me clean...like the woman who touched His cloak thought. She knew who Jesus was. She knew He was God. Jesus, clean me, please. Enable me to receive You.

I continued praying. I went to Adoration on Monday night and joined in prayer with the Cenacle. I also finished Scott Hahn's book Ordinary Work, Extraordinary Grace. I decided to put some of the Opus Dei beliefs into action and dedicated the next day to God for healing and peace. Wednesday, I saw them at a function and a bitterness swept over my entire body as I saw them enter the room. Please God, not now. Not today. I couldn't face them. The anger was not gone..it had festered so deep inside that I had just scraped the top off the past Sunday. There was more, so much more.

I went home, visited with relatives who came into town, and then went to bed to pray. Please God, teach me how you forgave your captors. I prayed the 'Our Father' and I couldn't finish it. I was stuck on 'forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those...'. If I wouldn't forgive them, then God would forgive me in the same way! This is not what I desire. I want God, I want to live. Please God, teach me to live in freedom, Your freedom. I'm tired of this bitterness. I'm tired of this pain. Please take it away. Take it all away.


Love them.

What?

Love them as I love them.

How?

See them through My eyes. They are also my children.


That was not what I expected to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. I had been praying for them, but had I been praying for them with love?

This Sunday, a guest Priest celebrated the early morning Mass, a very holy Priest and one that I have met before. His homily was on faith. Keeping the faith through trials and tribulations, and focusing on God throughout. Thank you, God! God never said it would be easy. In fact, Jesus did not have it easy. But I am to 'Love one another as I have loved you' (John 13:34). This was Jesus' new Commandment to His Apostles. It was no longer 'Love your neighbor as yourself,' but 'Love one another as I have loved you.' Christ asks us to love each other as HE loved us (and still loves us).

I continue this journey of faith and love, and as I continue to ponder on this new Commandment, especially at the Consecration at Mass, I believe that the heart-hole is being healed and filled with God's love. As I continue to pray for them with love, I noticed that the bitterness and anger dissipate. I have a long way to go. Only God knows how deep I let this into my soul, but He is the only one who can heal me. Through God and continued prayers, I will finally reach the goal of being one with Him who made me.

God's Grace in Action

Ever since reading 'Conceived without Sin,' I have been sensing God's grace more. It is not that God recently decided to grant me His grace, it's more the fact that I have become more intune with God's voice.

I do not deserve His grace, let alone his mercy, yet He grants me these in order to become more holy, more loving, and become a better person in His eyes. On Friday, God tested my obedience and granted me his grace throughout the day. It was one of the most amazing days I have ever had. It started off by me missing the first train to downtown Cleveland.

How was this a grace of God? Had I been on that first train, I would have missed 3 of God's most amazing creatures - a doe and her two fawns. The doe walked across the tracks, from one set of trees to another. The fawns loosely following her, scampered across playfully trying to stay close enough to mom, but yet exhibiting some independence. What an amazing sight! Thank you, God!

On the way downtown, I was receiving a constant urge to have the Miraculous medals I had in my purse blessed. I bought them at Our Lady of Lourdes Shrine for my nieces and nephews. My intention was to have them blessed on Sunday, so I dismissed the thought. I continued saying the Rosary on the train, yet the thought would not cease. I walked into the Cathedral and sat down in my usual pew. Thought became stronger. Bless the medals. The Bishop will bless them. Go to the Confessional. Have the Bishop bless them.

From where I sat, I was unable to see which Priest is in the Confessional. Finally, I got up and walked over to the Confessional (okay, I suffer from what a good friend of mine calls 'Eventual Obedience'). The Bishop was there! Thank you, God! I asked if he would bless the Miraculous medals. He did - it was a beautiful prayer and blessing!

Mass began. It was the feast day of St. Cyril. I'm not sure about you, but I heard the name, but I did not know anything about who this saint was. The Bishop started his homily talking about St. Cyril, when he lived, and that although many of us may never have heard of him, we use his doctrine almost daily. Suddenly the thought, Mary, Mother of God, came to mind. I was not sure why, but okay. Yes, I firmly believe that Mary is the Mother of God. It is part of the doctrine of the Faith. It was not until the end of the Bishop's homily that he stated what St. Cyril was noted for - declaring Mary was the Mother of God, ending all debates about who Jesus was.

Wow! What a day to have the medals blessed! (by the Bishop, no less!) Thank you, God!

Mass continued. Give one to Jan. What? Why would I give one of the medals I just had blessed to my boss' wife? These were for my nieces and nephews. Jan was recently diagnosed with lymphoma (a form of cancer) and both she and Gale (her husband, my boss) were going through a very difficult time. Give one to Jan, ask Gale if he wants one. I was unsure if they are even Catholic! Okay, okay. I'll give one to Jan. Now, how am I going to explain this to Gale? Speak the truth.

I got to work and went straight into Gale's office and asked him if he had a minute. (In recent months, I already spoke to him about my vocation change and that it will take effect in about a year and a half. He was very supportive.) Gale nodded. I prayed a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit for the words. My explanation went something like this..."I am not sure why I need to give Jan one of these, but I do. It is a Miraculous medal. I was just blessed by the Bishop this morning. Would you like one?" He said sure.

After this, we had one of the best discussions about faith & miracles. Thank you, God!

I am unsure where God is leading me, but I know that He is right beside me. As He continues to test me and I continue trying to be obedient, my faith and trust continues to grow. I still do not understand why Jan and Gale needed a medal, but it is not my job to know. It is my job to remain obedient to God's will.


God's supreme gift of love is the Holy Spirit. Love is also at the heart of Jesus' last Commandment to us: "Love one another, as I have loved you." Love has to be the essential foundation of a moral life. Love should also be an integral part of sacrifice, like Christ's sacrifice for us. The greatest act of love is giving one's life for another. This does not necessarily mean that we have to die for another. But I think it also means that we need to sacrifice for each other, to lay down those parts of us that we hold dear and offer them to help others.

A moral life requires grace, which supplies the spiritual strength to do the right thing. Every time we overcome temptation or avoid a sin we have been struggling with, this is another time that we give our 'selves' to God. Every time we listen to God's voice and heed his words, thought we may not understand yet obey, we live for God. This means to offer up our total 'selves'; our wants, desires, temptations, joys, struggles, sorrows; our entire selves to God in order to glorify Him. It is through how we live in Christ and Christ in us that enables us to be Christ for others. We glorify God through our actions, words, works, and thoughts.

A friend once told me to put myself on the Altar at Mass and ask God during the consecration and Holy Communion to come into my heart and soul and change me. Change me to be more like Him. I need to surrender myself to God.

The dismissal at Mass is then our charge to the community...to be sent forth on a mission to the world...to evangelize through our lives...to bring a piece of Heaven to the world. I believe this is what St. Josemaria Escriva meant with Opus Dei. My life is God's life, my work is God's work. Everything is a grace of God. I can't give Christ to others if I do not have Jesus Christ living in me. I need to become one with the Father and the faith and radiate this out through my life.

Amy Grant's song, 'Father's Eyes,' is one that I have come to cherish.

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl. And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world. But that's all right as long as I can have one wish I pray. When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say.

She's got her Father's eyes, her Father's eyes. Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around. Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found. Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain. Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same. Just like my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes, my Father's eyes. Just like my Father's eyes.

And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone. And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me, More than anything I know, I want your words to be.


In the end, I want to have my Father's eyes. Eyes that find the good in things, When good is not around. Eyes that find the source of help, When help just can't be found. Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain. Knowin' what you're going through, and feeling it the same. Just like my Father's eyes.

Grace

The last time God placed a book upon my heart to read, it changed my life, literally! My mom had been hinting for YEARS that I needed to read Pierced by a Sword. The hints, however, fell on deaf ears. About 5 years ago, grace came in, led me to the downstairs bookshelf at my parent's house, and encouraged me to skim through it. "Amazing grace...how sweet [it is], that saved a wretch like me!" I am not sure why I listened to grace that day, but I am very glad I did.

I knew Bud Macfarlane had written sequels, but I was not interested in reading them...until now. Grace encouraged me again, this time to read Conceived Without Sin, the next book in the series. It only took me a couple weeks to get the book from the library and start reading (compared with many years for the first book). I had planned on reading it during my trip to the Jersey shore, but plans changed. Plans may have changed, but the urge to read had not ceased. Instead of reading it at the beach, I read it on the train to & from work. Tonight I finished it.

When I was in undergrad at OSU, I would hang out with other students who attended the Newman Center and TNT (Tuesday Night Together). There was one friend in particular, L.D.. When we got together, we would get into very deep, almost theological discussions. We would often talk about the future and God's plan for us. Both of us had this overwhelming sense that we would not live our full lives (50+ years). We were unsure whether we would die due to disease, accident, or something else, but it was the 'something else' that really caught our attention and stuck with us. Martyrdom was not out of the question. We did know that our Faith in God would always be with us and His grace would lead the way. Since then, I could sense the connectedness of humanity (thus my love for the Confiteor at Mass).

Conceived without Sin brought this "intuitive feeling" back to the forefront. It reminded me how fragile life is and how much we need to rely on each other, whether that would be through physical company, conversations, or prayer. We may not always be certain of what is happening or why, but our trust in God, fully knowing that He is in control, will never lead us astray.

Recently I have been reflecting on why certain people have entered my life. For instance, Fr. V. was scheduled to leave St. Clare a year ago, why did the Bishop want him to stay another year? Had his assignment lasted the original length, I would have never met him. One person...just one person played an intrigal part in my life. Without the guidance of this Priest, I would not have continued to learn more about our Faith. I would not have had the encouragement to join an Order. I would not have begun blogging. I would not have met some wonderful, solid Catholics. I would not have my spiritual director. This is just one person. I have met thousands through work, riding the bus or the train, buying my house, going to Church in Euclid & then in Lyndhurst. And I am just one person upon whom he has had an impact. What kind of impact have others made on my life, or more importantly, what kind of impact have I made on theirs?

Some people that I have connected with, I intrinsically know that I will need in the future, or they will need me. For whatever reason, God has brought us together, although we live STATES apart!

Since I fully returned to the Church 4 years ago, one prayer continues to stay on my heart..."Lord, prepare me for who YOU want me to become. Prepare me for what is to come. Prepare me to do YOUR will." What I was not expecting was the grace I received, the rapid changes that would take effect, or the intense learning that I would absorb.

My trust is in the Lord. [He] has brought me here thus far....and [He] will lead me home.

In God We Trust

Once when I was going through a rough time, I was sharing the events with my mom. She imparted a bit of wisdom...

"Whenever you find a coin on the ground, for instance a penny, what does it say?" she asked.

With a questioning look, then a grin & a wink, I responded, "A penny doesn't "say" anything. Why?"

Rolling her eyes, shaking her head, & laughing, she responded, "No, what is written on it?"

I tried to remember. I use coins all the time: vending machines at work, parking meters, exact change for my double mocha turtle latte, but I can't say I really read what was written on the coins.

A penny... a penny.... "one cent," I responded.
Yes, what else?
uhmmm... United States of America
What else?
Washington?
Actually, it's Lincoln. But, what else?
The year??

"In God We Trust," she replied. She said that whenever she finds a coin on the ground, she picks it up and reads, "In God We Trust."

What great advice!! We need to trust God with everything in and about our lives. This is not just my life... it is God's life in which I am being entrusted to live. Why then should I not trust God with all the details?

I say that I trust in God, but do I really mean it? Do I trust God with every aspect of my life, the good, the bad, and the 'ugly' (and yes, there have been some very ugly moments!). Do I trust God fully or do I hand it over yet keeping my hand on one edge, ready to pull back when times get really tough or I get anxious?

I can't say it's easy. It's been quite a challenge, sometimes every step of the way. Yet, now, whenever I find a coin, I read the words, "In God We Trust," put it in my pocket, & every time I feel it - I remember, "In God We Trust."

My mom and I have taken this a step further. We often pray when we are walking or doing chores. If we find a coin and we are praying for someone at that moment, we will save the coin & give it to the person for whom we were praying. We will also let them know that it was a sign from God at that moment...to trust Him always.

So remember, find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck...for God is with you always!